It still doesn't feel like Christmas.

I'm moving on...

Looking at new forums that I've never joined, I realized that Mike's and Snooty's aren't the only forums of their kind... there are still forums at there that are good and haven't become so corrupted.

I wish mikeInside and Kimmy a great marriage, because they both, without a doubt are the awesomest. ^_^

I'm scared... and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm cut out for music, and even if I am... I'm going to have to suffer majorly to get through it.

I'm second guessing the whole music as a carreer thing... I wish I could, but I found my instrument in my senior year, and I'm not a fast learner by any means. It's sad, but I've found that I'm being optimistic by just wanting to be a music major. It's not going to work out. I will fall flat on my face. It happens that way every time. Why do I think it will change?

It's too late for me... Even though I want to major in saxophone (yes, but that's not a split second decision, you know I've been questioning the bassoon for a while... and even though it is incredabley fun and I will no doubt use it for orchestra events... it's not THE instrument.).... I can't. It's just not possible. It doesn't matter how much I care.

I'm destined to fail just like my sister and dad. I don't know that my dad failed... but he dropped his music major in college... and my sister did fail. I can question her motivation with that... but it was partly inabilty... she couldn't read music... Music Theory murdered her and her dreams basically.

I also have inability. I'm not fast. I'm slow... and really that is what bothers me so much. I can''t think as fast as everybody else... I need time. and that's not what a musician is about...

So... I might as well just give up... I'm doomed... music is all I ever wanted to do... but I can't do it. I'm not capable...

That just figures. What am I capable of... living in a box?

Truth be told, I'm not sure I even know who I am, or what I really want in life... Could it be I'm all words? I'm so confused. I don't want to be. I want to know what really matters to me. I want to know what will work out for me... what will make me happy.

I take it I'm really not liked around here anymore...

Oh well, I don't care... I've got my bassoon and that's all that matters.

but I still don't know what I did.

Liars. Why don't you just tell the truth? Why do you hide it? Why don't you tell me everything you hate about me, yet you fake to be my friend?

That's the way it is in real life as well, very few people actually like me. and I wish they'd just tell the truth already. I'm sick of finding out the hard way.

I don't even know who my real friends are anymore... I'm wondering if I even have true friends... Everyone finds me annoying. I guess I just am annoying.

and this refers to everywhere. Seriously, not just online forums and such... my friends in real life... if I can call them that.

I guess i have no real friends...

Well that's just fine and dandy. Might as well just put on a fake smile and "get over it". :)

So.... I DO like bassoon!

It's actually pretty fun to play. Even though it's so big. The funny thing was after playing bassoon today I went to go play my alto sax and it felt like a feather! xD

Alto sax always seemed so big for me... switching from trumpet/clarinet. lol

So I like it! I can't wait to take lessons... but that maybe after Christmas. :(

Uh... wow.

The last week or so has meant two things:

Happiness: What I mentioned on the last post, getting a bassoon, and just feeling happy in general.

Despair: Having my computer break (just got it fixed), having my camera break... being sick, and then Snooty Sims.

Apparantally I went over the top with the Smoking topic. I don't know. I believe that smoking is a stupid thing. But I had in turn become a hypocrite. Thanks to JJ for pointing that out. I will keep my two friends that smoke, under the condition that they don't smoke AROUND ME. (Which they aren't around me too much. xD)

...but I lost a friend that I've had for two years or so. Or where they ever my friend? Aw it's my paranoid "everyone hates me" thing again. But what proof do I have against it? A few select users from Snooty's hate me right now, I suppose.

I don't really care about my reputation or anything... but I don't want to lose my current friends. :(

Psh, maybe now that I've got a bassoon, some free time (no marching band and less stress perhaps I'll become more likable. I know I've been a bitch lately but it's mainly because I haven't gotten enough sleep and I've had too much work.

I know I reallly should be asleep but I couldn't sleep with all of this on my mind.

For the most part it is about Mike's forum...

First of all the forum isn't fun anymore. Why? I'm not sure. I liked it when we actually had fun talking to each other and laughing at each other's mistakes instead of killing them for it. I miss when the forum was just random fun. Now any bit of random it has is stupid. Also it appears to me that aside from the stupid random stuff the rest of it is about attention seeking and forum couples. Okay, let me say this first, I am happy for Kim and Mike, Mindy and Nathan, and the other Mike and Lipsy... but honestly, tone it down. You guys got onto me for talking about the bassoon a year ago and guess what, now you're doing exactly what I did when I was talking about the bassoon so much. I honestly don't know if I'm the only one who thinks all of that... but it seems like the forum is losing interest for me now.. There are few topics worth reading anymore... everyone deep down hates each other... and that's not the forum Mike's used to be.

I miss the old Mike's. I miss when we all liked each other and had fun... when we talked about fun random things.

Also Sima and Envy... I hate them both. Honestly, they have proven themselves worthy of hatred. Sima is a stuck up bitch who can't think for herself and takes down everybody that doesn't fit into her group of popular losers, and Envy is an even more stuck up bitch. My first impressions of Envy were that she was a nice sweet person that was nice to everybody, but I soon learned that she's a liar... She started up rumors about me a few months ago and I still remember them. Rumors of things that I would never say. Yet she got a few people to believe her and spread it everywhere. I don't care too much about my reputation, but DO NOT say that I said things I did not. Also Envy seems to think that she is some kind of Goddess which really pisses me off. She says I can't even use her name... okay what the hell? I'll treat her like the bitch she is.

and that is all, thank you and good night. xD

So I get to go on a band contest to Dallas! We're leaving tomorrow... and I'll be back like late Saturday, just thought I'd say. :P

Gosh it's been so busy lately. I've got band auditions, tests, homework, depression, and (physical)pain all at once! Next week is marching band auditions I'm so excited!

I can't make it any more clear...

Going to see someone wouldn't do me any good!

What I have... well obviously, you don't understand... It's basically mental torment... It's like waking up and wishing you never did. In fact that IS how I wake up..

I'm trying to tell you it's NOT THAT SIMPLE.

The rest of my life is going to be mental torture... Endless mental torture!

Could I possibly make any difference in this conformist society? no. Nobody would look up to me for playing bassoon. I have to face reality on that issue...

I'm hoping someone does bring a revolution to music, classical music... and get rid of all of the crap out there today.

but it's not going to be me, because I'm as good as dead right now...

Besides I'm obviously not good enough for this world... What I hate about myself, it's wrong! I shouldn't have to be going through this! You all are so happy, and don't even make a second thought of it... LUCKY!! This world hates me, I see no reason to live.


Oh btw, I'm alone right now! Nobody's here! You know what that means? Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!

Why? Why couldn't I do it?

I'm not going back to mike's... Sorry. that's a done deal. and I don't know how long I'll spend on here either. Probably until I can find a way to you know...yeah...

My life is fading before my very eyes. I'm still alive, yes, but I'm not alive mentally, I guess you could say. I'm dead inside now. There's no way to get me back again. I'm done for.

I won't even smile now. I haven't at all today. My mom has realized that, but I can't talk to her about it, or anyone for that matter. People say this depression is a phase, but I looked into it, and what I'm going through is not going to end, don't tell me to go get help, because "help" won't do any good. It's a rare thing, and it's killed me now.

Lord knows how long it'll take to kill me physically. Don't tell me not to do it! You're not stopping me! There is absolutely no reason for me to live anymore! You can try, but don't, it's not going to help...

It's easy enough for you all to tell me that it'll go away/that I need to go get help/ etc. but it's not for me.

Who was there to save me last time? Jas. She isn't here anymore, period. Nobody , nothing can help... God has not given me that one little thing in life that I really needed, but I still believe in God and I still love God...

I went to another site and let out all of my emotions, I feel free... free to go, now.

Hopefully this time I can get away with it!

Sick of my entries of bassoons, anti guitarism, marching band, french horns and that kind of crap that none of you give a crap about?

Well you don't have to see it anymore...My entries will be hidden from everyone from now on.

I guess I'll make a few friends only entries, but not too many.

Well, some is, most is hidden...